Adam got out of bed, yawned, swept the back of his hand across his eyes and lifted Cain. His piercing cry had woken him. The moon could barely be seen through the tiny window. It was windy and the dogs were howling. Everything seemed to have fallen with him. Even the animals found a way out of Eden. Only theirs probably was not as shameful as his. There was not a day he didn’t think of the life he would have had in Eden.
The possibilities were far estranged from his reality now.
He sat down patting little Cain to sleep, over his shoulder.
“You gave me a male.” He whispered to no one with a smile. He hoped God would be listening somehow. There were countless times he wanted to just walk back to Eden – to find out if God ever came by again.
But he sure couldn’t show up there. It had little to do with the Cherubim stationed there but everything to do with him and how he felt. How could he show up with the guilt?
He couldn’t go back. God had thrown them out and with too much mercy than they deserved.
Their crime, no, his was too grave.
He failed God terribly and yet did not render an apology.
He was to be His representative on earth and he traded it for the woman.
The disappointment registered on God’s face when he said “Because you have listened to the voice of your wife and have eaten of the tree of which I commanded you, ‘You shall not eat of it …” had stuck with him.
He put Cain on his chest and started rocking. He looked down at him. He was so peaceful in his sleep and too innocent to be put through the fallen world but yet that will be the fate of anyone born after him.
He wished it would not be true that all after him would be born now in his likeness. There would no more be a perfect man no matter how perfect they tried to live. He felt it deep down. Everything had changed after the fall – even who he was made to be.
The canker of his sin would run somehow through all men. And it would remain so unless God chose to do something.
He sighed. It was not a relief. He would forever be not just the first man but the first who failed all other men.
Fear gripped him. He held unto Cain.
The ever first time he had been afraid was when he heard God’s voice after his eyes opened in Eden. He became afraid of who he had become. His eyes opened and he saw for the first time his nakedness and that of the woman. For the first time that day, he hid himself and the woman from God.
Despite the frequent nightmares Eve had since she took seed, he’s been hoping this child would be different; that he’d do better than he did.
There were moments he wanted to know if God already had a way out of the fall for them. He’s been wondering if there was a way they could be restored from the fall.
He always had a way out of everything when they were in Eden.
He had the right answers for when he did not know what to do with a new born of an animal or what to call a new species of flower that had sprung up.
He knew how best to hold and restore the breath of anything that ever got hurt mistakenly.
And God knew how to call him in the tender most unique voice.
There wasn’t a place better than Eden.
The beautiful trees, the blossoming flowers and the sunshine are not comparable to anything. But it wasn’t those that made Eden the best. It was God’s presence.
The way He came regularly to talk with him. The way his smile made the winds stand still.
The way He never seemed far away.
It was God who made Eden what it was.
And it was God who gave him the woman.
“It was the woman you gave me”.
He had actually told God that and it wasn’t out of the need of explanation. It was because he, Adam didn’t want the responsibility.
And yet the real truth is that he chose the woman instead of God. He made her his god and ate the forbidden.
He should have just acknowledged and said sorry.
But there was too much pride welling inside of him. He was not about becoming the fool in front of the woman – made from him nor the serpent over whom he had dominion. Hence, he wanted someone else to play the part.
And he found one.
He pushed it not on just the woman but on the one who gave him her.
He put Cain on the bed, beside Eve and sat back again. Eve stirred and turned.
The day he found her when he awoke from his sleep was the pinnacle of creation for him. He just knew her. Nothing seemed strange. It was almost like she was his second nature. He did not need to be told. He knew that day she was right from him and for him. And yet he neither protected her nor admitted to it.
He left her that day to bear all the blame.
She was just some moons old in the Eden. And he had never let her out of sight besides that day. He wanted to do some work at the other side but he knew he should have taken her. He had planned to give her some freedom – allow her take some responsibility for herself. He perhaps just wanted her to have some of his role. After all was she not made a helper fit for him?
And yet that was the issue. She was made the helper, not the head. How he wish he lived by that earlier – living as equal partners yet not in similar roles.
Some days, he wanted to tell Eve it was alright – that nothing was her fault. Other days, he hoped he’d forever be able to be the Adam God made her for. And other times, he wished he could get her back to Eden.
In her quiet moments, he knew she missed it.
Perhaps God will sure find a way. Even out of Eden, he never will doubt his love. The manner in which he clothed them before allowing them out of the garden will not allow him to.
Through the toils of getting the land tilled and kept for their survival, he couldn’t deny God has been showing up – to save him from unexpected storms, to get him away from a falling tree or to let him be on time for Eve’s delivery.
Though another ruled now, it seemed God was still watching over him with those eyes of the father he knew him to be.
He rested his head on the arm of the chair. The sleep had worn off him and he did not want to start his routine either. He wanted to just sit and think of God and of Eden.
Those two are the only real past he has