Has the end of a year meant so much to you before, so much you could kill
(just the expression ) for? Same here.
December 2015 meant a lot of many things to me. It did because I had quite a year. So December more than being Christmas meant, and very importantly to me, that the year was finally ending. And I was high with hopes of welcoming a friendlier one. 2016 did its best not to disappoint. Now, what I didn’t know is December 2015, will also mean a death to one of my biggest flaws – human dependency.
Mid-year of 2015, I woke up realising I was losing two friendships I had mistakenly allowed to sort of define my being and worth. Deep words, yes. True words too. These friendships were ones I poured myself mentally and emotionally into, hoping I’ll have a reciprocation one day. I had always lived with this baggage of disappointment, of fear that the next person may walk out like the rest. These I have later found root from past experiences I still haven’t got the nerve to discuss entirely with any other human. So as it’s with insecure people, the more I felt the friendship slipping out of my grasp, the more I fought for it, alone. The friends apparently weren’t as insecure or needy of me like I was of them, so technically, there wasn’t anything to fight for. I’ll call a billion times and until emotionally blackmailed by me, they never will call. I doubt if they ever thought of it. I was the closest friend in the closet. I wasn’t their friend to anyone besides my friends. Not even on their Facebook or Instagram. Barely on their WhatsApp display pictures. That fact cut deep every day I stared my feeble heart in the mirror. Not that it really matters to be everywhere on your friends’ social media accounts. But guys, really, not even one #wcw for a best friend is…
It is worth mentioning that these are friends I had terrific private times with. And that’s what bothered me most – why am I just a private friend and all the rest your public ones? Of course, I knew the answer; we were friends – neighbourhood, church and sometimes regions apart. And I also knew as much as they did in the past, our past, they’d never go out of their way to visit when I came so close and expected one. They not bringing a visit up or giving any real promises when I did bring it up was the problem. Around November, I had come to a deadly mental decision but a healthy one too. I made up my mind to cut away from the friendships. My guts told me this is your day of salvation. So slowly, I put the knife to the ropes that bound me in such a fatal way to these two friends. There is no one word to describe the experience except death.
I was dying to about some 7 and 4 years of wrongly placing my whole self in some two people’s abilities to love me to my expectations.
Still on the journey, in the first week of December, my birthday was here. Usually, these two miss it. You guessed right – I never miss theirs. But the miracle had already started so they didn’t call and I wasn’t even secretly devastated. Did I remember my Messi and CR were on the bench for no good reason yet again? Yes. Did I hope the coach will get them in somehow? For the first real time, I did not! This was like recovering from a disease that was meant to kill you. The last straw however that broke this camel’s back came during the later days of December.
I was chatting with one and this issue of friendship came up and I broke down weeping on the phone. After that call, I looked my shamed face in the mirror and I determined the foolishness had to actually end. I wanted to cut off and not do so holding a grudge or hurting the relationships. So I set out the only plan I knew; talk to God and retrace the rest of the path I walked to arrive in this mess. And I did, painfully, patiently and slowly. Through this process was when God confronted me with my whole part of the deal. Thing is, I had concluded my two friends took me for granted. You can, therefore, imagine my blatant shock when the Holy Spirit told me I taught my friends how to take me for granted. It was two difficult truths He affirmed. One, they had taken me for granted whether or not they knew they had. And this can be very hurting to hear from God. Two, I had not just allowed them, I taught them how to. I sat there just weeping.
I, I had taken two people who’ll be raising families someday down a road no one should learn to travel. He, the Holy Spirit, asked me what I think it is when you keep calling a mutual friend (who knows probably I am attached to him/her, can call and however doesn’t even on the most important occasions of life because of whatever) repeatedly without allowing them to also contribute to the friendship by calling back. This wasn’t a soul I was winning, you know, nothing like that. He led me down many of such questions and moments in my life and as though I was Paul, the scales fell from my eyes. I could see and I finally realised I had a real blame to receive. The Holy Spirit also showed me how insecure I was (as I mentioned earlier) and how I had to accept the truth of my worth in God despite myself. He showed me how I had put on my friends, in my heart, responsibilities meant for only two people to fulfil – God and my husband. One who will fulfil it wholly, and the other through the first’s example. I had not just been entangled in an unhealthy friendship, I had shunned the biggest love I could ever receive in the process.
So in the December of one hectic year, I died and came into a beautiful resurrection. Last year, many events made me realise should I not have allowed my heart free, I could possibly be depressed with so many events happening with my two friends – yes we still are. But that’s not really all. Throughout the boot camp, I realised I had allowed these two friends to grey the rest of my world and friends who were friends and were lovingly giving off themselves to me. I had overlooked and not enjoyed fully the blessings of friends all around me; friends I couldn’t have done even one single thing to receive or keep. And of course, I can say perhaps I’ve also taken a few friends for granted. And I hope strongly they didn’t have the toxic expectations and baggage I had. It’ll be easier on them. I am not even close to knowing the fullness of the love of God and showing others that love, but in relating with these two friends, I’ve seen glimpses of it.
On days, I miss the past ways badly. On days, I’m mad they didn’t do for me what I would have so lovingly done for them. On other days, I want to literally plunge into the past and taste forbade intimacies. These emotions and thoughts, however, haven’t won. God’s word has. God’s love through Christ for me has been so priceless in seeing myself as He does and fighting myself to accept I deserve the best in Him. I love my friends dearly. So, if this love means not using them to satisfy emotions they can’t even satisfy anyway and giving them freedom, freedom from the friendship they no longer want a part of tillthey do, I’m willing.
And yes, they missed the birthday last year but God will never miss it. He celebrated it even before I knew the date.
There is a spoken word piece I recently heard that so well explains all the emotions I struggled with and as I stated above, I do struggle with on very long and lonely days. It’s called Ephemeron on Akotowa’s Solitaire EP. Follow the link to listen to it. And oh this post isn’t a go-ahead to run away from loving difficult people God has put on your path oh.
NB: Stop guessing if you’re the friend😆😆😃😛
©M’afua Awo Twumwaah 2017